My liddle Mom

Well, I'm new at this and I don't use very good grammar...so bear with me as I try to express myself. I just thought that by writing down how I'm feeling may make me feel better. Crazy huh...me actually writing something that doesn't deal with counterfeit money, crazy people, or computer exams.

For those of you that don't know...my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer (4-7-10) a couple of days ago...not the best news in the world. I didn't know what to say when the doctor was trying to say it in the best possible way...She actually never did say it...my Mom said it for her. Right there with my brother and Dad listening my Mom said CANCER!!!, while the doctor was stuttering. All the thoughts that raced threw my head to include,
..surprise, anger, love, hate, fear, past, present, future, God, my Dad, my wife and kids, and the list goes on.

All I could do was look at my Mom sitting in that hospital bed and think of all the bad and mean things I said or did to her growing up...I felt like the worst child in the world...Here I am a 36 year old man and I'm worrying if my mom is mad at me about stuff I did back in highschool. How selfish can a man be. She just found out that she has CANCER and I'm worrying about myself. Wow, I was really upset with myself.

Right after the diagnosis, I looked at my dad...his face was life less...you would of thought he just got the news that he had CANCER...but in all actuallality he did. He has been married to my Mom for 40+ years. How do you live without someone you've been with for so long. I'v been married for almost 8 years and I couldn't imagine anything different. He is a great man. He has been a great dad to me all these years. I hurts to see him going through this..not knowing how much time he has left with the love of his life. He keeps blaming himself for not getting her to the doctor sooner. I don't want him to blame himself for any of this. He is a good husband. I'm not trying to focus on what could of been, or what should of happened. Because my mom has CANCER now and nothing is going to change that.

My mom was not doing so well the first couple of days...she was having a hard time breathing, loss of strength, and coughing. Today was a better day...she is breathing better and she actually got up and walked around. Tomorrow WILL be a better day. No matter what because I get to see her for one more day...I get to talk to her and hold her hand...cut her chicken for her and get her water...rub her hair...see her laugh, get mad, get stronger...watch her sleep...talk politics...but most of all just sit and look at her...thinking about all the good and bad times we have had together. Wondering how much more time she has on this earth. I will be sad when her time is done but I'm not gonna focus on that right now...becaue now it is ONE DAY AT A TIME for her and I want to help her as much as I can. She is a wonderful person...She has been the best Grandma my kids could ask for...she is full of love. I've never met a women has so little but gives so much. Her love language is definetly giving.

I have been wondering if she knew earlier and just didn't say anything to anyone. I think she has had a feeling that she was really sick. A little after the news I was talking to her holding her hand...of course I was crying and she was being strong. I was telling her how much I love her and how wonderful she is and she just looked at me and said "Danny, I know exactly how your feeling", then it hit me...both her parents died of the same fucking disease. Almost around the same time in there life. She knows exactly what I'm feeling, she had been the child two separate times loosing her parents to CANCER. She just looked at me and totally comforted me like she always has. I love her so much. What a strong women she is.

I was going through the house today trying to get it clean so when she comes home she won't feel like she needs to do anything. I found a list on the bar written in her hand writing that said:

pay elec

subway

wash clothes

fold

walk

rest

I started crying...her is a women that is sick and is trying to get all this done before she can rest. I would of put rest at the first of the list...in the middle and probably would of only got a couple of these done. I have no doubt she got all the things done on the list before she rested. She is one tough cookie and if anyone is ready for a fight it is her. Let's just hope it hasn't taken over her body so she can fight.

Well, that is about it for now...and you know it actually feels pretty good writing all this down. The future is uncertain for a lot of things in my life now...but that is life...and life will go on. You know she actually said that to me the other day. "Danny, life will go on"

Love ya mom