Positive thoughts

Well, my wife and kids and I traveled down to Texas today to see my mom. It was a looooong drive. 9+ hours in a minivan with a 5 and 2 year old. Like I said...it was a loooong drive. We listened to the Elmo learning how to take a pooh video...Madagascar Christmas...Nemo...Little Mermaid and the list goes on. The last hour we were so stirr crazy that everyone in the car was just started screaming at the top of there lungs. You know....it actually felt kinda good.

We got to my brothers home in Mckinney, TX. He lives in a nice neighbor hood with a awesome park. We took all the kids to the park to burn of the drive. My little 5 year old girl learned how to dribble a basketball and she climbed a rockwall so high it made me very nervous. She is such a brave little girl. My little 2 year old boy was climbing everything and anything. He himself is a brave little boy.

After the park my brother and I went to the hospital to visit my Mom. She is in the ICU so the images in my head were not very pleasant as to what I was going to see. What a pleasant surprise. We got to her room and she looked better tonight then she has the last week or so. She was actually smiling and could squeeze my hand so hard that it actually kind of hurt. She was still not breathing as strong as I would like, but the images in my head were soon faded away with the beautiful images of my mom. It was so good seeing her like I remember her. She wasn't exactly the same but I could see my mom in there. I didn't see the mom that was having such a hard time breathing and standing just two days ago. She looked great. In my head I know that she is still very sick and has a very long road ahead of her but it was definetly a positive experience. I am so excited to get to see her again tomorrow. I asked her how the doctors were treating her and she said everyone at the hospital is taking care of her very well. I think she starts chemo tomorrow so it will be a tough day but I know she can do it.

Wish I could tell the future

My Dad and I took my Mom to the lung Doctor at Baylor hospital yesterday morning. My brother met us there before the doctor came in the room. The doctor who seemed like a real nice guy told us that he looked at my moms images and stated that the damage from the Cancer was quite extensive. He said it looks like "small cell carcinoma". Apparently one of the worst types you can get. According to the oncologist my Mom may have only had the cancer for 5 to 6 months. The tumor is 4-5 inches big. This stuff is aggressive. I haven't looked it up on the internet because I don't want to know all the bad stuff it can do to someone. I'm just trying to focus on the good right now. My mom starts treatment tomorrow morning. The doctor told my Dad that this cancer spreads very fast but it also is killed by chemotherapy. So, the doctor told my dad it may extend my Mom's life for 8 to 10 months. That was good news at first. Of course I want my Mom to live as long as possible..but I don't want to see her suffer for all the time she has left. I told my Dad that and he said that he has talked to Mom about it and she decided that if it is too painful then they will stop the treatment and let the disease run it's course. I don't blame my Mom for thinking that way, especially after seeing her Dad go through the same thing.

On a different note, I flew back home yesterday afternoon. After being away for a week dealing with the issues with my Mom's health it was good to see three of my favorite people. It was so wonderul to be back with my wife and kids. As much as I didn't want to leave my Mom and Dad, I needed to get back to my family. My wife has been my rock this last week. She has taken care of me and the kids without taking a breath. What a wonderful women she is. I am so fortunate to have her in my life.

I went back to work today as well. I am so fortunate to have some coworkers who are the best in the world. They have made me being away from my job effortless. Thanks guys and gals for all you have done for me. Thanks for being a listening ear and providing words of encouragement. I always wondered why God has put me in this town with these people and now I think I have the answer.

Today I was talking with my Dad and I asked him how he was doing. He started to cry and said "she (my Mom) is his buddy and has been his buddy for 42 years. 42 years!!!! How do you let go of someone who has been around for so long. Then he said he wishes he would of treated her better. That just breaks my heart. Then we started to talk about what my Mom wants as far as funeral. He said she wants to be cremated. She has actually told me that before too. My Dad told me that when he passes, he wants my brother and I to take him and my moms ashes to a bridge in Arizona and let them fly. I hope that day doesn't come for some time but Dad, we will let you and Mom fly someday.

Well, like I said before, tomorrow is a new day...We are heading down to Texas to see my Mom. We are taking the rug rats along with us too. It's going to be long car ride and my 5 year old daughter keeps asking why we are not flying. She just doesn't understand money yet. She is very excited that she will get to see her cousins. She is also excited to see Pa Pa (my Dad). She mentioned that she may not get to see Grandma because Grandma is going to heaven. Yes sweetie, Grandma will be going to heaven...someday.

What a week

Well, it has been five days since I found out my mom was diagnosed with lung CANCER...what a week. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. My mom is gradually getting her strength back..she is talking more and can still get on to me. She is so independent that she is having a hard time accepting she is not capable of keeping up the same routine.

Today she got to come home from the hospital...what a great sight to see my mom back in her own house and out of that hospital room. Eventhough I know the future is uncertain it is such a positive feeling seeing her at home. She actually got on the computer herself and is fitting right in back to her own environment.

Today the gentlemen from the air company came by and set up her O2 apparatus...what a nice guy. His name was Terry...he was a black man, probably around 35 to 40 years old. While he was explaining the instruments to me he stopped and said "this really has you guys shooken up, huh?" I said "yes sir, it does". He carried on with the instructions and showed me how everything worked. After that he stood up and looked at my mom and said "you have pneumonia, huh?" My Mom said "yes sir, and Lung Cancer". He then said, "Well, you haven't had a second opinion yet, so they may be wrong". My Mom just looked at him. When he finished talking to me and my brother he went up to my Mom and grabbed her hand. He looked her straight in the eye and said "I have faith that they were wrong" and just walked out the door. Now, I don't know this guy from Adam, and he has never stepped foot in this house before but WOW what a way to make a exit. I now have a renewed faith that everything may come out just a little bit better. Maybe it's not as bad as first thought. I can ownly pray, pray that God will take care of my Mom no matter what the outcome.

Thanks Terry the air guy, for bringing a little bit of faith into this house....You truly are one of Gods messengers.

My liddle Mom

Well, I'm new at this and I don't use very good grammar...so bear with me as I try to express myself. I just thought that by writing down how I'm feeling may make me feel better. Crazy huh...me actually writing something that doesn't deal with counterfeit money, crazy people, or computer exams.

For those of you that don't know...my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer (4-7-10) a couple of days ago...not the best news in the world. I didn't know what to say when the doctor was trying to say it in the best possible way...She actually never did say it...my Mom said it for her. Right there with my brother and Dad listening my Mom said CANCER!!!, while the doctor was stuttering. All the thoughts that raced threw my head to include,
..surprise, anger, love, hate, fear, past, present, future, God, my Dad, my wife and kids, and the list goes on.

All I could do was look at my Mom sitting in that hospital bed and think of all the bad and mean things I said or did to her growing up...I felt like the worst child in the world...Here I am a 36 year old man and I'm worrying if my mom is mad at me about stuff I did back in highschool. How selfish can a man be. She just found out that she has CANCER and I'm worrying about myself. Wow, I was really upset with myself.

Right after the diagnosis, I looked at my dad...his face was life less...you would of thought he just got the news that he had CANCER...but in all actuallality he did. He has been married to my Mom for 40+ years. How do you live without someone you've been with for so long. I'v been married for almost 8 years and I couldn't imagine anything different. He is a great man. He has been a great dad to me all these years. I hurts to see him going through this..not knowing how much time he has left with the love of his life. He keeps blaming himself for not getting her to the doctor sooner. I don't want him to blame himself for any of this. He is a good husband. I'm not trying to focus on what could of been, or what should of happened. Because my mom has CANCER now and nothing is going to change that.

My mom was not doing so well the first couple of days...she was having a hard time breathing, loss of strength, and coughing. Today was a better day...she is breathing better and she actually got up and walked around. Tomorrow WILL be a better day. No matter what because I get to see her for one more day...I get to talk to her and hold her hand...cut her chicken for her and get her water...rub her hair...see her laugh, get mad, get stronger...watch her sleep...talk politics...but most of all just sit and look at her...thinking about all the good and bad times we have had together. Wondering how much more time she has on this earth. I will be sad when her time is done but I'm not gonna focus on that right now...becaue now it is ONE DAY AT A TIME for her and I want to help her as much as I can. She is a wonderful person...She has been the best Grandma my kids could ask for...she is full of love. I've never met a women has so little but gives so much. Her love language is definetly giving.

I have been wondering if she knew earlier and just didn't say anything to anyone. I think she has had a feeling that she was really sick. A little after the news I was talking to her holding her hand...of course I was crying and she was being strong. I was telling her how much I love her and how wonderful she is and she just looked at me and said "Danny, I know exactly how your feeling", then it hit me...both her parents died of the same fucking disease. Almost around the same time in there life. She knows exactly what I'm feeling, she had been the child two separate times loosing her parents to CANCER. She just looked at me and totally comforted me like she always has. I love her so much. What a strong women she is.

I was going through the house today trying to get it clean so when she comes home she won't feel like she needs to do anything. I found a list on the bar written in her hand writing that said:

pay elec

subway

wash clothes

fold

walk

rest

I started crying...her is a women that is sick and is trying to get all this done before she can rest. I would of put rest at the first of the list...in the middle and probably would of only got a couple of these done. I have no doubt she got all the things done on the list before she rested. She is one tough cookie and if anyone is ready for a fight it is her. Let's just hope it hasn't taken over her body so she can fight.

Well, that is about it for now...and you know it actually feels pretty good writing all this down. The future is uncertain for a lot of things in my life now...but that is life...and life will go on. You know she actually said that to me the other day. "Danny, life will go on"

Love ya mom